Most of this chapter is Noah waiting for the flood waters to subside. He sends out birds to see if there is land to walk on (add animal trainer to the resume along with space organizer).

And the dove came in to him in the evening; and, lo, in her mouth was an olive leaf pluckt off: so Noah knew that the waters were abated from off the earth. – Genesis 8:11

God’s flood killed every living thing. Apparently olive trees aren’t actually alive. Noah waits for God’s signal and exits the ark.

And Noah builded an altar unto the Lord; and took of every clean beast, and of every clean fowl, and offered burnt offerings on the altar. – Genesis 8:20

That’s right. He kept them alive to kill and burn them. And that pleased God.

And the Lord smelled a sweet savour; and the Lord said in his heart, I will not again curse the ground any more for man’s sake; for the imagination of man’s heart is evil from his youth; neither will I again smite any more every thing living, as I have done. – Genesis 8:21

God says, “My bad, I forgot that I made you evil from the beginning. That was totally uncool. I won’t do that again.” Or at least not until the book of Revelation. But I’m afraid you’ll have a while to wait before we get to that.

This will be a short chapter as much of it is just God’s wrath. But we’ll start with a flip flop.

Of every clean beast thou shalt take to thee by sevens, the male and his female: and of beasts that are not clean by two, the male and his female. – Genesis 7:2

We get to start with God changing his mind apparently. Not a male and female of each species. 7 pairs of each now (at least for the clean ones). Apparently Noah was the greatest space organization expert of all time. God then proceeds to kill everything and everyone that isn’t on the ark.

And every living substance was destroyed which was upon the face of the ground, both man, and cattle, and the creeping things, and the fowl of the heaven; and they were destroyed from the earth: and Noah only remained alive, and they that were with him in the ark. – Genesis 7:23

Que the banjo music. The only people that survived were Noah and his extended family. That’s a lot of incest to repopulate the earth. And it finally gives God’s nod to multiracial families because obviously they had married into every single race to make that happen. We’ll just skip past the part where there is no evidence in the rock strata that would support a flood of that magnitude. Onward to Genesis 8.

This is the part of the Bible where man populates the earth. Apparently we hit a population barrier where God is no longer willing (since he is omnipotent it can’t be that he’s not able) to extend our lifespans as outlined in Genesis 5.

And the Lord said, My spirit shall not always strive with man, for that he also is flesh: yet his days shall be an hundred and twenty years. – Genesis 6:4

Wow. News to us. There is no mention that he was boosting our lifespan with his spirit previously in the bible. But lets take this statement in two possible contexts.

Option 1: God states that man shall live to be 120 years old. I know quite a few people that did not receive their allotted portion of time. The US census shows that the average life expectancy in 2010 was 78.7 years. Where’s the extra 42.3 years?

Option 2: God states that man shall live to be no more than 120 years old. Once again I will site the oldest person to date with a verified date of birth. Jeanne Calment of France died in 1997 and lived to be 122 years and 164 days. Somehow this French woman figured out a way to get around God’s rules. Hmmmm.

The bible goes on to refer to “giants in the earth” which I will allow to be colorful prose that means “great heroes”. And God looked at us and determined that we were “wicked” and that we only had evil thoughts.

And it repented the Lord that he had made man on the earth, and it grieved him at his heart. – Genesis 6:6

Once more for those in the back. God is omniscient. There is no surprise allowed when you know everything. Before he created light he knew it would turn out this way. But God decides he wants a Do Over. But he finds Noah, the one good guy on the planet and taps him to save the creatures of the earth.

And of every living thing of all flesh, two of every sort shalt thou bring into the ark, to keep them alive with thee; they shall be male and female. – Genesis 6:19

Nope. There is no way that you can fit two of each species of animal and insect on a boat of the size they mention. I’m also fairly certain that Noah didn’t have enough frequent flier miles stocked up to make it to all of the earth’s habitable continents to get all of their species as well. But Noah manages to violate the laws of physics somehow and cram everything onto his ark. Onward to Genesis 7.

This is the book of Generations. Let’s hit the high points here:

Adam was 130 years old when he had his last son Seth. Damn, not bad.

Adam lives to be 930 years old. Yup. That tree of life is some good stuff. The eat the apple and die thing finally takes effect?

Seth has his first son at the age of 105 (those are some good genes) and dies at a ripe old age of 912 years old.

Enos lives to be 905, Cainan lives to be 910, Mahalaleel lives to be 890, Jared lives to be 962, Enoch lives to be 365 (Dies an “early” death because God “takes” him), Methuselah lives to be 969, Lamech lives to be 777, and finally Noah starts kicking out children at the age of 500.

Apparently no one can break the millennium barrier. OK. There is no evidence empirical or otherwise that a human being can live for any of these ages. The oldest person on record today is still Jeanne Calment of France, who died in 1997 at the age of 122 years and 164 days. That’s the longest that we’ve been able to stretch it. The bible is just wrong here. Maybe the writers of the bible no math good.

Adam and Eve get Busy. They have Cain (the oldest) who takes up his father’s farming occupation, and Abel who branches out into sheep herding. They both work hard at what they do and bring a gift to the God. Giving no explanation or reason God accepts Abel’s gift and completely rejects Cain’s. Apparently God doesn’t do the vegan thing. Then God tells Cain:

If thou doest well, shalt thou not be accepted? and if thou doest not well, sin lieth at the door. And unto thee shall be his desire, and thou shalt rule over him. – Genesis 4:7

God is telling Cain that he needs to suck it up because if he doesn’t then he may have the urge to “sin” and may not have the willpower to resist. Here’s the problem. God is omniscient. He knew from moment one that he was setting Abel up to be killed by his brother. He already knows that he won’t be able to resist. So Cain kills Abel, then God shows up and freaks out that Abel is dead.

And he said, What hast thou done? the voice of thy brother’s blood crieth unto me from the ground. – Genesis 4:10

Once again; omniscient. Where’s the shock coming from. He set Cain up to take the fall just so that he could punish him. He curses him so that he can no longer farm any longer and forces him to wander leave his home and live as a vagabond. As a parting gift God marks Cain with a big sign that says “If you kill this man God will make you suffer.”

Cain settles down. Apparently God’s “vagabond” curse didn’t take. It’s unclear what his occupation is, but Cain takes a wife, they start begetting, and he builds a city. Fast forward onto Lamech, which is the Great Great Great Great Great Gandson of Adam and Eve. All of the sudden we’re hit with:

And Adam knew his wife again; and she bare a son, and called his name Seth: For God, said she, hath appointed me another seed instead of Abel, whom Cain slew. – Genesis 4:25

OK, so Adam and Eve are still alive. Still haven’t died at this point even after eating the apple. The tree of life packs a big enough punch that Adam and Eve are still going strong 90+ years later and are active enough to make new children.

In this part of the bible Eve has met the serpent and he basically asks her “Why aren’t you eating these apples?”, to which Eve replys:

But of the fruit of the tree which is in the midst of the garden, God hath said, Ye shall not eat of it, neither shall ye touch it, lest ye die. – Genesis 3:3

Problem here; basically God is a liar. He literally lied flat out to Adam and Eve. The entire bible is based on the premise that everything that God says is true. Eating the apple doesn’t kill either of them. They don’t become mortal until he stops allowing them to eat from the tree of life.

So the serpent (Devil?) convinces her that she should eat the fruit and she gives it to Adam. They realize they’re naked and hide from God when he comes to visit. They confess to God that they ate the fruit and God gets angry, curses the serpent (basically takes away his legs), and while he’s rolling decides to curse woman as well:

Unto the woman he said, I will greatly multiply thy sorrow and thy conception; in sorrow thou shalt bring forth children; and thy desire shall be to thy husband, and he shall rule over thee. – Genesis 3:16

Ladies, you might want to pipe in here. That means woman’s rights were a mistake. Time to give up all those privileges and do what your man says.

He goes on to curse Adam with farming. No more free meal ticket he says. You’ll work hard and then you’ll die. He makes them a new set of clothes and kicks them out of the garden.

And the Lord God said, Behold, the man is become as one of us, to know good and evil: and now, lest he put forth his hand, and take also of the tree of life, and eat, and live for ever: – Genesis 3:22

What is this “us” that God speaks of? At this point the Trinity doesn’t exist, so it’s a little fuzzy. Takeaway from this chapter is that maybe God should’ve phrased his command “If you eat of the tree of knowledge, I won’t let you live forever anymore.” Much more straight to the point. Maybe we’d all be living in a paradise right now if he just had a little more transparency.